Ghosting and Other Unpleasant Dating Phenomena

Ah, the 21st century. The unpleasant dating phenomena that have arisen in the age of online dating, emailing, texting, etcetera.

Ghosting—introducing Casper, the unfriendly cretin

Ghosting is when you are dating–or even in a relationship with–someone, and said someone just disappears.

No explanation. Nada. They don’t contact you. They don’t respond when you contact them.

They have, in effect, BECOME A GHOST. Also an asshat. (Well, they already were an asshat, thence their behavior, but their asshattery has now been irrefutably confirmed.)

Ghosting makes the “ghostee” feel, well, like doody. The cretinous Casper has viciously stolen your closure and left you berating yourself, wondering what it was you did wrong.

Here you go: nothing. They probably have avoidant attachment (definition later), and/or they are an asshat.

They definitely do not have good communication skills, honesty, openness, empathy, compassion, or a host of other things you truly need in someone you will be able to have a successful relationship with.

I mean, how would you like to attempt conflict resolution with such a person? D’ya think they might be the type to walk out in the middle of an argument?

Are they going to be able to express their innermost feelings, when they can’t even form the words “goodbye”? Although they are apalling and repugnant and we shall utterly revile them, they have in fact done you a favor.

You may not be able to rejoice now, but you WILL rejoice later. For now, just distract yourself.*

The Slow Fade—Casper who’s even creepier

The slow fade is about the same as ghosting, but sloooower.

Texts (for example) get shorter and less frequent before disappearing altogether. All the same things apply. It is, perhaps, worse than the abrupt ghost because it’s less clear and you feel even more confused and jerked around.

Thus, they are even more awful and we utterly revile them even more. All the time they were doing the slow fade, they could instead have been having the guts to actually communicate with you. ASSHATS! Distract yourself* and look forward to future hallelujahs for your lucky escape.

Unrepentant Rudeness

I don’t know what is with this. I once had a first meeting with a woman and it went well. We talked for over two hours and decided to see one another again.

At the point of the second date making is when the rudeness happens. Apparently it’s terribly hard to decide if they actually want to go on a second date, or not. They make a date and cancel and reschedule. They make it and cancel at the last minute.

This happened—via text, of course—and I texted back, you know, it’s fine with me if you don’t want to see me again. JUST SAY SO and quit making and cancelling dates, as that is unforgivably rude. She wrote back and said she didn’t mean to be rude, she just didn’t think we had much in common.

Um—huh? How is it not rude to waste another person’s time by not just saying that in the first place? Gah. Even if you can’t be kind, be polite. It really seems to me the minimum requirement in a civilized society. (Er–I know it’s not clear that we actually, currently, live in a civilized society. But.)

Craziness

In the same way being a step removed through technology fosters rudeness and hard-heartedness, it can cause some boundary issues. That is, lack of.

It’s way too easy to hit “send,” while if in face-to-face contact, even crazy people are less likely to say crazy shit. Texts and emails (and comments on people’s blogs…) really take the cake for saying crazy shit without thinking it through. Also posts on Facebook forums. Calm down, everyone. I admit in the time of voicemail I used to have an oversharing problem. I have reformed. Promise.

Indifference

Does anybody really care? Yawn.

The Cause

Aside from human nature? Technology. Meeting online, communicating through a screen, it’s very easy to just disappear and pretend there’s not a real beating heart attached to that phone number.

It’s easier to be rude in a text, it’s easier to prevaricate. Also it’s not clear that we actually, currently, live in a civilized society. 

The Cure

Don’t do a lot of emailing or texting. TALK. And have an open agreement up front: if one of you decides to call it off, you will actually tell the other person. What a concept.

Also–be suspicious of those who prefer anonymous communication. Your new lovie wants to text and not speak? Uh-oh.

And how about this: at your first meeting, ask the person if they have ever been ghosted or ghosted someone. Discuss.

I’m going to be writing more about things I think are THE most important in figuring out:

• Whether or not you are compatible with somebody
• What went wrong in past relationships

and helpful for:

• Understanding others
• Understanding yourself

These things are: Adult attachment, neurobiology, personality styles, and good ol’ common sense :). There’s a lot of differing opinions out there, so let’s put on our critical thinking hats and get down to business.

Another important topic I feel I must touch on is the controlling and manipulative relationship. I want you to be able to learn how to spot controlling and manipulative people and eliminate them (from your life, not from the earth, of course) before they treat you to a really unpleasant experience. I have had it. You don’t need to. Yay!

*Recommended distractions: if have money, buy kick-ass shoes. If not, read urban fantasy novels with kick-ass heroines. Check out from library.

Not very good definition of avoidant attachment: people who have intimacy issues. Will discuss more later.

Dear reader, what has been your experience with ghosting? Let me know in the comments section.

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