10 Suspicious Things to Watch Out for in Online Dating Profiles

Online dating profiles: here’s some stuff I think is suspicious. These are just my completely unsolicited and wildly judgmental opinions. Could I back them up with actual evidence? I could. But I won’t. Fearing prosecution for slander.

1. Lengthy profiles. This makes me suspect narcissism. They might just be writers or academics, but rather smug writers or academics. Are we reading a book here, or just trying to get a snapshot of who you are? Are you so deep that it takes several paragraphs? Hmm.

2. Super short profiles. Again, narcissism. I’m so great, I don’t really need to take the time to describe myself. See my multiple pictures. (Also may be that they feel they don’t write well or have trouble describing themselves. In that case, get the help of a friend.)

3. Speaking of. Having a LOT of pictures. This just shouts narcissism, unless they’re mostly of her dogs. Just the dogs. Not selfies with the dogs.

If you enjoy narcissists, look for any of the above.

4. Spelling errors. C’mon. This is how you’re presenting yourself to potential love partners–-a resume for love, if you will–-and you can’t be bothered to run a spell check? Either illiterate or completely full of themselves. Number of photos accompanying may help to determine which.

5. I’m so superficial. Checking boxes stating that one is athletic and toned and only wants to date other athletic and toned persons who make over $50,000 per year. Usually accompanied by photo of self in swimming suit or workout wear. (If not, maybe are not so athletic and toned these days, but still want to discourage fat chicks.)

6. Indicate are “middle-of-the-road” politically. This is a personal bias. It’s so wishy-washy. In our current political climate, you can’t really be on the fence. If you can, perhaps you ought to have your brain checked for activity.

7. Beautiful selfies. A proliferation of selfies, to me, is scary. It indicates person is a loner who apparently doesn’t have any friends to take pictures of them. Also someone who spends a lot of time taking pictures of themselves to get so many that look beautiful (a rather self-involved activity). If they don’t look good, but post unflattering selfie, see below.

8. Ugly selfie as lone photo. As in, selfie taken from below with looming face casting unflattering shadows below chin and probably in poor focus. Um, why? Are they trying to scare people away? Show how not superficial they are? I don’t have a clue. But it’s weird. See love resume in #4 above.

9. No photo. You can figure this out.

10. Creepy screen names. Imalookin? Readyforlove? Onehotmama? Im2Cute4U? Blech.

Here’s something that is a little more esoteric (and so unnumbered):

They say in strong language they can’t tolerate something, for example: “absolutely no game-playing.”.

I think this indicates they are either:

1. A game-player themselves who is looking for someone innocent and genuine to play with (either consciously or unconsciously, natch, as in, A. they are evil or B. they are projecting)

OR

2. They have very recently had a bad experience they should spend some time getting over before jumping into the dating pool. Right now they are just lurking in the shallows, feeling resentful and looking to bite someone’s head off. Swim away, little fish. Swim away.

Do you have anything to add to this list? Let me know in the comments section.

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